How grief helped me change my life

by | Aug 12, 2016 | Personal | 22,074 comments

grief

The multi-faceted face of grief

grief

Grief is a hideous thing.

It grips your heart, it feels like its physically twisting it before it tears it in two.

If you lose someone you love, the physical feeling is so intense it overwhelms you and this led to my first ever anxiety attack that was so real and so intense I thought I was dying.

 

Grief is overwhelming.

It changes course at least 10 times a day. You feel angry, you feel numb, you feel like the earth has stopped turning but somehow everyone is carrying on as if nothing has changed.

 

Grief is multi-dimensional.

It plays with your mind, it messes up your emotions. At times you want to feel grateful and thankful for all the time you had with your loved one. The next second you resent the fact they have been taken from you so early and you feel bitter and full of hatred.

 

Grief is different for everybody.

They say it has stages, grief. I definitely experienced lots of different emotions but they often occurred all at once and left me in tears as I was plummeted into a world of darkness and despair.

 

Suffering with anxiety and depression even for a relatively short period of time was disabling at worst but also disempowering most of the time.

 

I lost my sense of self.

I lost a part of my heart the day my mum died.

I lost my self-confidence and I wasn’t sure how I could go on without her.

 

I had quite a few dark days.

I struggled to process what had actually happened.

I felt lost in the world.

   

 

I had lost my guide. My dependent person who was always there for me. My parent. My mum.

Mum made it very clear that should she die, none of us were to see her dead. She even wrote it in her funeral wishes that she had written years before just in case. She planned it to the letter.

None of us saw her dead except the policeman who found her and the local vicar at my request.

 

I physically felt that I wanted to see her, hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I strongly felt I needed that outlay.

 

But, I didn’t. None of us did. We respected her wishes.

Now I can only remember her alive.

And I’m thankful for that.

I didn’t intend to write about this today. I saw something on the TV that stirred up all this emotion and rather than keep it inside, I knew I needed to let it out.

 

I miss my mum.

It still hurts that I will never see her again, hear her voice, see her smile and the thought of all this literally some days crushes me.

 

Grief is a rotten thing.

It overwhelms you in an instant, without warning at times.

But, somehow, somewhere this inner strength appears and it’s almost like rising up out of the ashes, like a phoenix.

 

I have decided to enjoy my life now. I have empowered myself and I know I am here to make a difference in this world and so on with my journey I go.

This next chapter of my life, this new chapter of my life is bright, shiny and sparkling.

 

I understand myself so much more because I went through this traumatic time.

 

I did it, with help.

 

Seek help if you need it and gain strength from not being alone with your thoughts.

It really does…Empower your body. Focus your mind. Nurture your soul.

And so, The Pilates Physio .co.uk was born.

About Marie Fell, the Pilates Physio

 

If you want to read more about my journey you can catch up on previous blog posts at https://mariefellthepilatesphysio.com

 

22,074 Comments

  1. Suzanne Mountain
    Suzanne Mountain on 16th August 2016 at 6:57 am

    Oh Marie, this brought tears to my eyes. I too have felt those powerful mixed up emotions. If we love then we will all experience grief, it is the price we pay for love. I am glad that something positive came from your grief, your mum would be proud of what you are doing now.

    Reply
    • Marie Fell
      Marie Fell on 16th August 2016 at 6:56 pm

      Thank you Suzanne for your comments. I think you are right to be loved and to lose loved ones brings with it the price tag of grief and loss when they are gone.

      Reply
  2. Jane Barrett
    Jane Barrett on 16th August 2016 at 8:24 am

    I hear what you’re saying. I totally understand. Grief is all consuming, heartbreak when you lose a parent who brought you in to this world. It’s a testament to your mum that through the heartache you found strength to make a positive impact. My Mum never knew my business either, but I know she’s have been so proud of me and that warms my heart.

    Reply
    • Marie Fell
      Marie Fell on 16th August 2016 at 6:58 pm

      I’m sorry to hear you lost your mum to Jane. Yes I’m sure we are both doing our mum’s proud with our new businesses and they are shining a light on us as we go!

      Reply
  3. Toni Thomas
    Toni Thomas on 16th August 2016 at 8:43 am

    Passionate and heartfelt Marie. When my dad died I felt the same and it has taken me years to get over it and to not cry when I think of him. Lots of love xxx

    Reply
    • Marie Fell
      Marie Fell on 16th August 2016 at 6:59 pm

      Toni I still have a good cry every now and again and it catches me out somedays. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss x

      Reply
  4. Gail
    Gail on 19th August 2016 at 8:48 pm

    Marie your mum would be sooo proud of you I know she is with you all always, I can so relate to all those feelings, my mum was my best friend ever and some days four years on I still feel so overwhelmed with grief. I went to Cruse who I found to be a massive help to process my grief although it took me two years to do this. Lots of love to you, I think about your mum too x

    Reply
    • Marie Fell
      Marie Fell on 20th August 2016 at 6:56 pm

      Thank you for your kind words Gail. Mum always spoke fondly of you and your family and loved her trips to Inverness! Yes definitely speaking to professionals does help when you are stuck in the thick fog of it all. Somedays its just one day at a time still x x

      Reply
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