The multi-faceted face of grief

Grief is a hideous thing.

It grips your heart, it feels like its physically twisting it before it tears it in two.

If you lose someone you love, the physical feeling is so intense it overwhelms you and this led to my first ever anxiety attack that was so real and so intense I thought I was dying.

Grief is overwhelming.

It changes course at least 10 times a day. You feel angry, you feel numb, you feel like the earth has stopped turning but somehow everyone is carrying on as if nothing has changed.

Grief is multi-dimensional.

It plays with your mind, it messes up your emotions. At times you want to feel grateful and thankful for all the time you had with your loved one. The next second you resent the fact they have been taken from you so early and you feel bitter and full of hatred.

Grief is different for everybody.

They say it has stages, grief. I definitely experienced lots of different emotions but they often occurred all at once and left me in tears as I was plummeted into a world of darkness and despair.

Suffering with anxiety and depression even for a relatively short period of time was disabling at worst but also disempowering most of the time.

I lost my sense of self.

I lost a part of my heart the day my mum died.

I lost my self-confidence and I wasn’t sure how I could go on without her.

I had quite a few dark days.

I struggled to process what had actually happened.

I felt lost in the world.

I had lost my guide. My dependent person who was always there for me. My parent. My mum.

Mum made it very clear that should she die, none of us were to see her dead. She even wrote it in her funeral wishes that she had written years before just in case. She planned it to the letter.

None of us saw her dead except the policeman who found her and the local vicar at my request.

I physically felt that I wanted to see her, hold her and tell her how much I loved her. I strongly felt I needed that outlay.

But, I didn’t. None of us did. We respected her wishes.

Now I can only remember her alive.

And I’m thankful for that.

I didn’t intend to write about this today. I saw something on the TV that stirred up all this emotion and rather than keep it inside, I knew I needed to let it out.

I miss my mum.

It still hurts that I will never see her again, hear her voice, see her smile and the thought of all this literally some days crushes me.

Grief is a rotten thing.

It overwhelms you in an instant, without warning at times.

But, somehow, somewhere this inner strength appears and it’s almost like rising up out of the ashes, like a phoenix.

I have decided to enjoy my life now. I have empowered myself and I know I am here to make a difference in this world and so on with my journey I go.

This next chapter of my life, this new chapter of my life is bright, shiny and sparkling.

I understand myself so much more because I went through this traumatic time.

I did it, with help.

Seek help if you need it and gain strength from not being alone with your thoughts.

It really does…Empower your body. Focus your mind. Nurture your soul.

And so, The Pilates Physio .co.uk was born.

If you want to read more about my journey you can catch up on previous blog posts at https://mariefellthepilatesphysio.com